Harry Potter and the Goblet of Flamers
by M.M. Rowling
Summary: Harry Potter comes — of age.
1. House of Homos

CHAPTER ONE

HOUSE OF HOMOS

The boys had broken into the Riddle House again and started a circle jerk.

Frank Bryce the gardener set off into the night.

Peeping Frank eavesdropped.

"You will pump my snake," said a voice. "I expect every last drop. There is still more in the sack."

"Yes, My Liege," said a second voice.

"You perform an essential task for me, one that many of my followers would give their dicks to perform.…"

"Then why do you want to kill me?"

The voice laughed.

"I don't, I don't want to kill you," said the voice. "What would I do without you? Go back to raping little boys? No, no, no! No you, you, complete me."

This Wormdick — what a gay name —

"One more molestation … of Harry Potter.…"

Harry Potter — another gay name, no doubt —

A snake slithered past.

"According to Nigger, there is an old ass mofo standing outside, shitting himself," said the voice.

"Offer him some toilet paper. Where is your hygiene?"

"You heard everything, bitch? said the voice.

"Who you calling a bitch?" said Frank.

"I am calling you a bitch," said the voice. "It means that you are a bitch."

"I don't know what the hell you mean by bitch," said Frank. "I've heard enough shit to interest the gay police. You've done homosexual acts and you fags are planning more!"

"I have a wife," said the voice.

"Oh yeah?" said Frank. "I don't fucking think so. Don't fucking lie because I know … I always fucking know.… Turn the fuck around and face me you fucking homo."

"But I am not a homosexual," said the voice. "I am much more than a homosexual."

Wormtail turned the chair around.

Fucking Frank saw a thirteen-and-a-half inch cock. He screamed.


	2. The Cock

CHAPTER TWO

THE COCK

Harry lay flat on his back, breathing hard as he had been wanking. He had jizzed all over his hand. The white-hot cum was burning between his fingers.

Harry ran his fingers over his cock again. It was still sensitive. He looked down. He examined his dick. It looked normal, but it was still tender.

Harry had been fantasizing about two scrapers making out.…

Cho Chang, nicknamed Ho … and Hermione Granger. He had a scraper at the very thought.…

At the moment when they had kissed, he had prematurely ejaculated.

What would they say if Harry could not last long during sex?

Hermione's voice filled his head.

"_You came already_? _Harry, you ass.… Go down on me while I check _Common Penile Ailments and Afflictions.… _Maybe there's something in there about virgins.…_"

He imagined that freckled fuckface Ron Weasley's reaction.

"_You prematurely ejaculated_? _At least you can get scrapers … asshole.…_"

Harry needed someone like a _father_ who he could talk to without feeling gay, someone who had experience taking it up the ass.…

_Dear Sirius.…_


	3. Invitation to the Shithole

CHAPTER THREE

INVITATION TO THE SHITHOLE

Dudley's life had gone to absolutely complete and utter shit.

His teachers declared him legally brain-dead. Uncle Vagina said "he didn't want a fag for a son." He was bullied for being fat as fuck.

In solidarity, Aunt Penis insisted that the whole family follow the "rabbit shit" diet.

Ain't no way in hell that shit was happening. Harry forced that bitch to give him Dudley's favorite shit — fizzy drinks and shit, cakes and shit, chocolate bars and shit, burgers and shit.

Uncle Vernon got the mail.

He came back with a letter from Mrs. Weasley inviting Harry to the Quidditch World Cup.

"You and your motherfucking letters," said Uncle Vernon.

"Who the fuck is this bitch?" he said.

"You've seen her at King's Cross," said Harry.

"That ginger dump truck?" he growled.

"_Queerditch_ — what the fuck is this shit?" he muttered.

"It's a sport," Harry said. "Played on broomsticks —"

"That's not gay at all," said Uncle Vernon.

"It's hetero for us wizards," said Harry.

"Fucking homosexualness," he hissed.

Harry sent his answer back.

_Ron, I rudely decline to stay at your orphanage. I live like a fucking king here. Let me bum a World Cup ticket though. And pick me up then, bitch._

_Harry_


	4. Back to the Butthole

CHAPTER FOUR

BACK TO THE BUTTHOLE

BANGARANG.

"SSSSSSSSCCCCCHEIßE!" said Uncle Vernon.

Mr. Weasley, Fred, George, and Ron burst out of the fireplace.

"You break, you pay," panted Uncle Vernon.

"Fuck your fireplace nigga," said Mr. Weasley.

"We're kidnapping your unappreciative ass," said Mr. Weasley.

"My trunk's upstairs," said Harry.

"Get it your fucking self," said Fred.

Harry dropped a Knut.

"I got you," said Fred.

The living room was fucked up.

"Late … fags," Harry said.

The Dursleys didn't say shit.

"Didn't you hear Harry say good-bye to you fags?" Mr. Weasley said.

Uncle Vernon said, "I don't care."

"I love it," said Harry.

"Oh fuck," said Fred.

Fred had spilled a bag of brightly colored Smarties holding Harry's junk — in his trunk.

Mr. Weasley threw Floo powder into the flames in the fireplace.

Dudley sneezed and ran around the room in circles. Dudley hit the floor — a wrapper lay before him.

Aunt Petunia gave Dudley CPR.

"It was, the Smarties!" said Mr. Weasley. "Fred — real piece of shit — it's molly and coke — at least, I think threw cocaine — instead of Floo powder —"

"Call 999!" said Uncle Vernon.

"I forgot how to use a telephone!" Mr. Weasley.

"See ya," said Harry.


	5. Weasels' Wizard Weed

CHAPTER FIVE

WEASELS' WIZARD WEED

Harry fell out of the Weasleys' kitchen fire.

"What the _fuck_ did he eat?" said Harry.

"Retarded Molly," said Fred.

Bill slapped Harry's ass. Bill was — there was no other word for it — _gay_. He had a ponytail. He was wearing an earring on his right ear. Bill's clothes would not have looked out of place at a gay parade.

Mr. Weasley appeared.

"How long was he dead?" George asked.

"Four minutes before I resuscitated him!"

"He could have _permanent brain damage_!" Mr. Weasley shouted.

"He is already retarded," said Harry.

"What did you call _me_?" Mrs. Weasley said.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny set off.

"They've invented joke drugs," said Ron. "Fake weed and trick shrooms, loads of shit …"

"We've been hearing explosions and shit, but we never thought they were actually _making_ drugs," said Ginny.

"They were planning to sell it to kids at Hogwarts to make some money," said Ron. "Mum burned all the shit."

"They want to open a medical marijuana dispensary," Ginny said.

A door opened.

"Keep it fucking down," said Percy. "I'm working on a report to standardize dildo sizes. Some of these Chinese imports are too small —"

"He's obsessed with his boss," said Ron. "They're gay for each other."

Percy slammed the door shut on Ron's dick.

The owl that had delivered the dick in a box was hopping around.

"Shut the hell _up_, Nig," said Ron.

"Why do you call that owl Nig?" Harry asked.

"Because he's a nig," said Ginny.

By seven o'clock, the two tables were stuffed to shit.

Mrs. Weasley was arguing with Bill about his gay earring.

"No one gives a fuck how I dress as long as I bring home plenty of ass," said Bill.

"Someone shitted in my inbox," said Percy.

"That was a fertilizer bomb from China!" said Fred. "It was _personal_!"

"We shat in it," Fred whispered to Harry.


	6. The Condom

CHAPTER SIX

THE CONDOM

"I fucking want to sleep in," said Fred. "I fucking wish I could Apparate."

"You'll splinch your ass crack," said Mrs. Weasley.

"A pair of people left a pair of balls behind," said Mr. Weasley. "Some sick fuck defiled them.…"

George had morning wood.

"What is that in your pocket?" said Mrs. Weasley.

"My dick!"

"Your dick isn't that big!"

Mrs. Weasley patted Fred and George down and confiscated several small bags of pot, including up their bungholes.

"We spent six months growing those you bitch!" Fred shouted.

They set off.

"Portkeys are trash so Muggles don't go picking them up and playing with them.…"

Harry held up a used condom and threw it on Ron.

"That's the Portkey," said Mr. Weasley.

This would look like an incestous orgy if someone were to walk in on seven people holding a used condom.…


	7. Fagman and Crotch

CHAPTER SEVEN

FAGMAN AND CROTCH

"Weasley — penthouse suite."

"Give me a fucking break," said Mr. Roberts, the hotel manager. "You people can only dream of affording that shit."

"_Look right here_!" he said, holding up a neuralyzer.

There was a bright flash.

"I drop fat stacks on this sumbitch," said Mr. Weasley.

"Aye, Weasel," said Mr. Roberts. "Here's the room key."

"That Ludacris Fagman needs to keep his fucking mouth shut."

They stepped off the private elevator.

Harry opened the doors. There was a fucking marble foyer, a fucking grand Steinway piano, and a fucking pool table, a bar, and a theater. The bathroom had a fucking steam shower, fucking towel-warming racks and flat-screen TVs, and a fucking marble bathtub. The patio had a fucking fire pit and.…

"Aw yiss," said Harry. "Motha, fuckin, Jacuzzi."

The patio overlooked the pool area where people were partying it up.

"Is it just me, or is this really gay?" said Ron.

It wasn't just Ron. They were blinded by Ireland's gay pride.

"They're just showing off their true colors," said Harry.

They crashed the Bulgarian floor.

Every door had a poster of Vladimir Putin to repel queers.

"Viktor Krum's ugly as fuck," said Hermione.

"_That's not him you dumb bitch_!" said Ron. "He's _eighteen_."

"Just old enough you fucking homo," said Hermione.

They saw a cross-dressing fag wearing a dress.

They saw Cho Chang. She waved and smiled at Harry, who as he waved back ate shit when Hermione shoved him.

They popped bottles back at the villa.

The straight people went people watching over the balcony.

"Butterface, I'd put a paper bag over her head and do her.… scraper level eight; nice rack.… that's a nine, fuck me.… and those two are a gay couple.…"

"Luda!" Mr. Weasley said.

"Wanna bet your villa penthouse suite?" he said.

"I want your job nigga," said Mr. Weasley.

"Hell no."

"Fuck off then," said Mr. Weasley.

"This chink wants to bet me, but I can't understand shit."

"Mr. Crouch speaks Gook …" said Percy.

"Anyone can speak Gook," said Fred. "Ching chong."

"Farty!" said Bagman.

"Would you like a cold one?" said Percy.

"Yes Gaylord," said Mr. Crouch.

"Arthur, that towelhead terrorist Ali Bashir wants to talk to you about your embargo on pressure cookers," said Mr. Crouch.

"Clearly he wants to blow shit up. Fucking curry muncher."

Ron bought a bunch of gay shit.

"Omnioculars!" said a saleswhore. "Not for voyeurism you fucking perverts."

"Two pairs," said Harry.

"You shouldn't have," said Ron.

Harry handed it to Hermione.

"Thanks, Harry," said Hermione.

"Fuck both y'all," said Ron.


	8. The Queerbitch World Cup

CHAPTER EIGHT

THE QUEERBITCH WORLD CUP

They emerged in the shadow of a stadium.

"Every time Muggles have got near, they've suddenly got the feeling to go take a dump," said Mr. Weasley.

"Prime seats my ass!" said the Ministry bitch at the entrance checking them out. "I tell you right now, you ain't getting in."

"They're with me," said Cornelius Fudge.

Mr. Weasley gave her the finger.

They climbed upward to the bitching Executive Box.

Advertisements flashed across the field.

_Blueballs: A Fleshlight for Performance Anxiety — fast, pleasurable, and with Built-in Anti-Premature Ejaculator … Mrs. Skeet's All-Purpose Magical Jizz Remover: No Pain, No Cum Stain! … Bertie Bott's — A Risk of Swallowing Semen with Every Mouthful …_

A house-elf bumped into Harry.

"'Scuse me," squeaked the elf.

"_Dobby_?" said Harry.

"Did you just fucking call me Toby?" squeaked the elf. "Cause I'm black?"

"No," said Harry, "it's cause you're a slave."

Harry busted out his Omnioculars.

"Fuck!" he said. "Look at all the scrapers … and by scrapers I mean bitches … by the way …"

Ludo Bagman announced the team mascots.

The Bulgarian team mascots were veela.

The veela strip danced.

Harry put his hand in his trousers … it would be like fucking an angel.

"Harry, what the hell _are _you doing?" said Hermione.

"My sack was itchy," he said.

Hermione flicked Harry's boner. "_Fuck_!" he said.

The Irish team mascots gave the crowd a golden shower.

"And all the way from Brixton, our commentator, Lee Black Jordan!"

"Uh, where's the beat, where's the beat?" rapped Lee Jordan.

The Malfoys arrived.

"Who did you have to blow to get these seats?" Mr. Malfoy said. "Surely you do anal?"

"Hold my dick," said Mr. Weasley.

They brawled and missed the entire match.


	9. The Tramp Stamp

CHAPTER NINE

THE TRAMP STAMP

They got wasted at the after-party.

"Allahu Akbar!" someone shouted.

Harry woke up.

He heard screams, and the sound of gunfire. Mr. Weasley said, "Terrorists in turbans are shooting up the Muggles — run!"

The crowd dispersed.

Harry saw Mr. Roberts get executed on the spot.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione barricaded themselves in a bathroom.

"I want to play a game," said a voice.

Ron screamed.

"Manly scream," said Draco Malfoy.

Ron told Malfoy to go fuck himself.

"Don't think they can't smell a Shitblood," said Malfoy.

"Fuck you!" shouted Ron.

"I know _your_ parents are al-Qaeda lovers," said Harry. "Motherfucking keffiyeh wearing infidels."

"I'm a fan."

"Sweaty bastards!" said Ron.

They snuck out the back.

They saw three veela on their knees blowing a group of wizards.

Harry got in line.

Hermione shoved him into Stan Shunpike doing the goatse.

Somebody set off what looked like a firework.

What Harry thought it looked like was a dildo coming out of an ass.

People cringed.

They ran to the scene of the crime.

"We got her!"

"Who?" shouted Mr. Crouch.

Amos Diggory was garroting the elf from the Executive Box.

"Elf — shit," he said.

"Your house-elf … Winky …"

Winky had her eyes closed and was crying.

"Look," said Mr. Diggory.

"No," Winky gasped.

"Uh, yes," said Mr. Diggory.

"No, no," squealed Winky.

"It's horrible, isn't it, isn't it?" said Mr. Diggory.

"Please," she squealed.

Mr. Diggory choked Winky out.

"_Open your eyes and look at what you did_!" Mr. Diggory roared.

Winky sobbed.

"Look or I'll cut your eyelids right off your face …"

She slowly opened her eyes; then she looked up into the sky.

"Hey — that сука stole my wand!" said Harry.

Mr. Diggory crossed wands with Harry.

Something gay happened.

Winky was as guilty as Trayvon Martin.

Mr. Crouch kicked Winky repeatedly until her body was limp.

Mr. Crouch threw a towel on the unconscious elf.

"Clean yourself up, you dead," he said.

They went back to the room.

"It was al-Death Eaters," said Mr. Weasley.

"You-Know-Poo and his manwhores sent the Tramp Stamp into the air whenever they raped," said Mr. Weasley.

"_They raped Winky_?" said Harry, Ron, and Hermione.


	10. Ministry of Shit

CHAPTER TEN

MINISTRY OF SHIT

Mrs. Weasley hugged George.

"What if the last thing I ever said to you was that you had a small dick?" Mrs. Weasley said.

Mr. Weasley took a swig of Jack and scanned the _Daily Prophet_.

"Who fucking wrote this shit?" said Mr. Weasley.

"That tranny Rita Skeet-er," said Percy.

Ron went to go take a dump.

Harry sat Hermione down on Ron's bed.

"There's something I have to tell you," Harry said.

"Yes?" said Hermione.

Ron marched in.

"Come on Harry — let's play Quidditch," said Ron.

"Fuck off," said Hermione. "Harry doesn't want to play Quidditch right now.… He's tired.… We need to go to bed.…"

"I'll get my Firebolt," said Harry.

Hermione muttered, "_Asshole_."

"It's been a shitstorm," Percy told them. "People keep sending Howler bombs, bitching."

Mrs. Weasley glanced at the clock.

Eight of the hands were pointing to "home," Mr. Weasley's to "traveling," and none to "getting raped in prison."

"Well, the shit's really hit the fan now," Mr. Weasley told her. "Rita Skeet's a bitch."

"That cunt called me 'a gaping-mouthed retard'," said Bill.

Harry and Ron were packing.

Ron held up a flaming tuxedo.

"Is there something you haven't told me?"

Mrs. Weasley entered.

"Those are yours," said Mrs. Weasley.

"The fuck it is," said Ron. "I'm not cross-dressing."

"I'll go gay before I put that shit on," said Ron.

"I'm not cross-dressing," Ron was saying.

"Fine," snapped Mrs. Weasley. "Go gay. We'll disown you."

"Why the fuck is everything I own shit?" said Ron.

Harry looked at him.

"Because you're shit."


	11. Last Train to Faggotsville

CHAPTER ELEVEN

LAST TRAIN TO FAGGOTSVILLE

Harry walked into King's Cross like "What up, I got a big cock."

They boarded the express train to Homowarts.

Ron bragged to Seamus Ginger Finnigan, Dean Coon Thomas, and Neville Down Syndrome Longbottom about his Cup seats.

"You nicked those tickets, you slippery Weasley weasel fuck."

Draco Malfoy had been hiding in the closet, waiting to come out.

"Watch out, we got a queer over here!" said Malfoy, holding up Ron's dress suit. "You know how I know you're gay?"

"Fuck you!" said Ron.

"You fucking fruit.…"

Ron got to his feet. Malfoy slammed the door so hard behind him that the glass shattered and cut his dick.

Ron was dickhurt for the rest of the journey.


	12. The Bisexual Wizard Tournament

CHAPTER TWELVE

THE BISEXUAL WIZARD TOURNAMENT

Ron opened the front doors to the entrance hall.

"SHHITE!" said Ron.

Peeves the Pole Smoker had chucked a piss balloon at Ron's face.

Harry grabbed Hermione, as a second trucker bomb missed her.

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione gasped.

Harry used her as a human shield.

"What the FUCK?" yelled Hermione.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione dove into the Great Hall.

The Sorting Hat broke into rap:

_A fuck Gryffindor, that's that shit I don't like,_

_A snitch Ravenclaw, that's that shit I don't like,_

_A bitch Hufflepuff, that's that shit I don't like,_

_Sneak Slytherins, that's that shit I don't like!_

The Sorting ended.

Dumbledore got up.

"_Fuck you_," he told the students. "Gays are fantastic."

The plates filled magically with food.

"Where's my food?" said Ron, looking at his empty plate.

"Your parents didn't pay the food bill," said Legally Retarded Nick.

"Can I work in the kitchens for food?" said Ron.

"Bitch, house-elves do it for free," said Legally Retarded Nick.

"House-elves made this shit?" Hermione said.

She stopped eating.

"Can I have your leftovers?" said Ron.

Hermione threw her plate at Legally Retarded Nick.

"Cunt!" said Ron.

Albus Dumbledore got up again.

"Quidditch is canceled —"

"_Adolf_!" Harry gasped.

"Due to the Triwizard Tournament," he said.

"Shut the fuck UP!" said Fred Weasley.

"I will _not_ shut the fuck up," he said.

Dumbledore gave an explanation of the Triwizard Tournament.

"We're not bi, why can't we enter?" said George Weasley.

"The champions'll get to do all sorts of gay shit you'd never be allowed to do normally," said Fred.

"A million Knuts prize money," said Ron. "If I could afford food, I would be so happy …"

"Eat deez nutz," said Harry.

Fred and George debated the ways to go gay.

"Having sex with each other might fool the judge.…"

Harry and Ron got into bed.

"If Fred and George do it," Ron said, "you and I?"

"Hell fucking no.…"

Harry dreamed he had just won the Triwizard Tournament.… He had a bitch on each arm, Cho and Ron.…

Harry gagged into his pillow.


	13. PTSD Moody

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

PTSD MOODY

Hermione was on a hunger strike.

"You rexy," said Ron.

They arrived at the greenhouse.

"The bubotubers need jerking," Professor Sprout told them. "You will collect the jizz to cure herpes —"

"The _hell_?" said Seamus Finnigan.

"Pussy," said Professor Sprout. "Wear condoms over your heads so you don't give yourselves facials."

"Eloise Midgen tried to curse her herpes off," said Hannah Abbott.

"Dumb bitch," said Professor Sprout. "But Madam Pomfrey gave her a sex change."

The Gryffindors headed toward Hagrid's cabin.

"Blast-Ended Skrewts!" Hagrid said.

"First jizz and now this shit," muttered Seamus.

"_Fuck_!" yelled Dean Thomas, smelling his hand.

"It shat on me!" said Dean.

"That can happen when they fart," said Hagrid.

"Fart-Ended Shits," said Ron.

"I demand a refund for my education," said Hermione.

They sat down at the Gryffindor table and Hermione began to binge eat.

"I got to go to the bathroom," said Hermione.

"Should we call you Hermiane now?" said Ron.

Harry fell asleep in Divination.

"I think I am right that you were born gay?" said Professor Trelawney.

Harry snored.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Professor Trelawney.

"Check out my planets," said Lavender Brown.

"I see Uranus," said Ron.

Lavender smacked the shit out of Ron.

They reached the entrance hall.

Malfoy brandished a copy of the _Daily Piss_.

"There's a picture of your homeless shelter, Weasley!" said Malfoy.

"Blow me, you dick biter," said Harry.

"His mom is his house," sneered Malfoy.

"I cannot comment on your mother because cows are sacred in my country," said Harry in an Indian accent.

"Don't make my ghetto ass fists whoop on your lilly ass."

"Then shut the fuck up, you trash," said Harry, turning away.

FALCON PUNCH!

Harry saw something white and felt something hot graze the side of his face.

"FUCKING IMPERIUS!"

A man had his wand out.

Malfoy was hypnotized.

"That's that shit I don't like," growled the man.

"Cock meat sandwich time," said the man.

The man flopped out his member.

"I've never had to suck a dick before," said Malfoy.

"Me neither," said the man.

"I bet it sucks dick."

Malfoy got on his knees.

"Oh God, your dick smells like shit, dude!" said Malfoy.

Professor McGonagall fell down the stairs.

"Professor Moody, we _never_ use Unforgivable Curses as punishment!" said Professor McGonagall.

"Dumbledore does," said Moody.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"Moody!" Fred Weasley said. "How bipolar is he?"

"Beyond psychotic," said George.

"Posttraumatic stress disorder," said Lee Jordan.

"He's _seen_ shit," said Lee.


	14. The Unfuckable Curses

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE UNFUCKABLE CURSES

"Imagine if Moody made Snape suck his dick," said Ron.

"Whatever floats your cock," Harry said.

The Gryffindors arrived for Moody's first lesson.

Moody entered the classroom.

"So … you already know about the Imperius Curse. Anyone else know another illegal curse?"

"I volunteer as tribute," said Neville.

Moody muttered, "_Motherfucking Crucio_!"

Neville screamed. He seized —

"Say 'hi' to your parents for me you sap," said Moody.

"Anyone know the last?"

Everyone put their hands down.

"_Avada fucking Kedavra_!" Moody roared.

Moody killed a spider on Ron's desk. He shit his pants.

Moody dismissed their sorry asses.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked back to the common room.

"Let's start a burglary ring," said Hermione.

"Yeah?" said Ron.

"I wanna rob," said Hermione.

"We start by recruiting house-elves as soldiers," said Ron.

"I only tell you one time," said Hermione. "Don't fuck me, Ron. Don't you ever try to fuck me."

Hedwig had a letter.

_Harry_ —

_ Never write me that gay shit again._

_ Sirius_


	15. Dumb and Fucking Dumber

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

DUMB AND FUCKING DUMBER

Harry wrote a letter:

_Dear Sirius,_

_ Fuck you._

_ Harry_

Professor Moody had announced that he would be putting the Imperius Curse on the boys to see whether they could resist homosexuality.

"Dumbledore wants you to know what it feels like," said Moody.

Moody pointed his wand at Harry, and said, "_Imperio_!"

He heard Moody's voice inside his head: _Suck my dick … suck my dick.…_

Harry bent his knees.

_Suck my dick.…_

This is really, really gay said another voice inside his head.

_Suck_! _IT_!

Harry face-planted.

"Look at that … Potter ain't gay!" growled Moody's voice.

"The way he talks," Harry muttered, "you'd think we were all going to be raped by dustbins any second."

"Talk about being fucked in the head …" said Ron. "Did you hear what he did to that witch who shouted 'Voldemort' behind him?"

A large crowd of students congregated around a sign:

BIWIZARD TOURNAMENT

Get your black asses in front of the castle at 6 on Friday.

"Think I'll go tell Cedric because he can't read.…" said Ernie Macmillan.

"That tard, Homowarts champion?" said Ron.

"He's _hot_," said Hermione.

"You only like people that're gay!" said Harry.

Ron gave a cough, "_Lockhart_!"

Hedwig held out a letter.

_Fuck you, Harry_

_First of all, change owls you dipshit. And stop sending me shit. You're going to fucking give me up you retard._

_ Sirius_

The students lined up in front of castle.

The Bitchbitches' horse-drawn bus hurtled toward them. People dove out of the way. The bus crashed into the front doors.

A big ass woman emerged.

"Madame Maxime," Dumbledore said.

"My 'orses 'ave been drinking and flying," said Madame Maxime.

The Dumbshits' ship rose out of the water as though it were a stubborn piece of shit that won't go down the toilet.

Harry hissed in Ron's ear.

"Hey — _it's Krum_!"

Ron jizzed in his trousers.


End file.
